I know my fear is irrational. But when I'm in the moment right before the panic attack, by myself, I feel as if I can't feel any other way. I feel impending doom dropping in on me. The man soliciting his garden services at my front door turns into the man that is going to break into my home and kill me. I begin to dial 911 or call my boyfriend, find my paintball gun and drop down on the ground, furious that I left my pepper spray in a room on the other side of the house. I pray that when I'm walking my dog, that the man down the street heading my direction is going to turn around. I hear noises at night and I feel as if it must be someone breaking in. I have windows that don't have the shades drawn at night, and I feel as if someone is definitely watching me from outside, so I spend the night in a different room with shades drawn. I lock the doors immediately when I get inside my car.
So what I'm trying to get out here is words. Everyone thinks I'm crazy. My boyfriend and a few friends are semi-comforting yet always reminding me I'm crazy, but most of the time I feel absolutely insane telling them these things that go on inside my head. I can't afford, nor do I want to tell my parents I'm still crazy and use a therapist.
I guess any comments or positive advice would be helpful, just getting this off my chest is helpful enough.