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13 August 2010 @ 02:26 pm
Well, I don't usually (ever) do this kind of thing, but what the heck.  The reason why I am writing to you all is because it has been almost a year and a half since I was held at gunpoint in front of my own house.  With time, moving twice, traveling, taking a break, buying a guard dog, finding someone i feel safe with, and losing friends I thought were pushing me too much, I found that I haven't progressed as much, or really at all from how I once felt.

I know my fear is irrational.  But when I'm in the moment right before the panic attack, by myself, I feel as if I can't feel any other way.  I feel impending doom dropping in on me.  The man soliciting his garden services at my front door turns into the man that is going to break into my home and kill me.  I begin to dial 911 or call my boyfriend, find my paintball gun and drop down on the ground, furious that I left my pepper spray in a room on the other side of the house.  I pray that when I'm walking my dog, that the man down the street heading my direction is going to turn around.  I hear noises at night and I feel as if it must be someone breaking in.  I have windows that don't have the shades drawn at night, and I feel as if someone is definitely watching me from outside, so I spend the night in a different room with shades drawn.  I lock the doors immediately when I get inside my car.

So what I'm trying to get out here is words.  Everyone thinks I'm crazy.  My boyfriend and a few friends are semi-comforting yet always reminding me I'm crazy, but most of the time I feel absolutely insane telling them these things that go on inside my head.  I can't afford, nor do I want to tell my parents I'm still crazy and use a therapist.

I guess any comments or positive advice would be helpful, just getting this off my chest is helpful enough.
13 May 2010 @ 10:24 pm

Hi, I could really use a lot of good wishes, and more than a little advice!

I have been with the same guy for almost five years. We met when we were fifteen and were eachothers first date, first love, and he was my first heartbreak.  Since we were eighteen we have been having problems, and going on and off. Our two biggest problems are that
1) I am very moralistic and the older we get the more he wants to experiment.
2)  He dislikes my friends and I dissaprove of most of the people in his life. To highlight this fact when we were apart last year and I was traveling abroad he broke all of his promises, slept with someone else, and she now has a baby.
I didn't find any of this out until she was six months pregnant, and we had already been back together for three months. It hurt but at the time I stayed strong and helped support my grown up little boy through the hardest decisions he's ever had to make. His son is now four months old, and to him it seems like everything is fine and we are back on an even keel but everything seems to bother me now. From his behavior, to lack of comitment. Everything. I love him truly, but I am also unbelievably confused.

On top of this I recently went to a  friends house for a barbeque because G (my boyfriend) has been gone for work, and I was bored and lonely. This is the first social event I have gone to since G and I started having problems three years ago. At the party I got to meet, face to face for the first time, the man I idolized when I was fifteen (before I met G). At the time he was twenty one and I was just this annoying little kid but he recognized me on Saturday and we talked for hours. It was a blast to talk to someone I have a lot in common with, who doesn't have a ton of baggage, and who actually wanted to hear what I had to say. But my doubts are worse than ever.  Did I just stay with G because I didn't know anyone else and was scared to be alone, or did I do it because I thought we would be alright and he would grow up from the experience?
 Now I wonder if I would be happier with someone I have more in common with, or if I just want to be single for awhile, but how do you say that to someone you have supported through the worst of times when everything finally seems to be getting better?

Please, send me possitive thoughts and advice so that I may make the right decision for all parties involved!

Current Mood: distresseddistressed
07 March 2010 @ 02:43 pm
Hi there,
it's me again.. with some updates and more problems, hope you'd like to comment, I really need it.. :)

I think my issue with this guy K, isn't about him or anything. I'm really good with guys. I'm a bit the boyish type of girl. I can laugh about their jokes and play shooter games. I don't know but I don't think that's  the problem.

I think my problem is girls. Especially the ones who are also after the same guy as I am.. In this case K, I just feel envy towards them. In this case it's about the whiney girl. They're both in the same class so I understand that I'll always be jealous of the fact that they have the same classes and get to talk more often... But still..

When I saw the two of them in the break standing on the stairs holding both hands, my heart actually broke.. I mean, he seemed to like me, and Hina told me he wasn't a player, had good qualities, he was supposed to be a nice guy. Which he is off course.. but still, the concurrence is terrifying me. I mean there are, for as far as I know three or four girls in his class who like him. And one of them is the whiney girl.

I just don't know what to do, he seems so far away. And K is probably just using me. I'm two years ahead in study but we're the same age, that's because he's from a different country so he first had to learn the language, that's why he's two grades lower. But that means that I've already done the work he still has to do... Even though I planned on not giving him my essays and stuff, I think I'll fall for some of his dirty tricks again. Until now I haven't given him any work yet.

But when we went out on that date he asked about it again, and I felt betrayed. Was he only taking me out in order to get these sheets and essays? Bloody bastard, I can't live with that, and I've never talked to him again... Well he sent me greetings through my sister, which I do appreciate, and I said 'hi' the other day... But ... well I don't know.... I just want him to get to know me, and that I can get to know him. But at this rate, it'll never work out. I just can't ignore the whiney girl... When I see her, I feel like some dark aura gets released from me. She just makes me angry.

Something else: I really don't like to say bad stuff about other people, but... well. This other girl (the whiney one) She's just not that pretty if you ask me... She has a huge forehead, small eyes and she's small, whines a lot and she's bouncy (the type of girl who's really enthousiastic about something dumb and she jumps up and down when she's happy about something) I don't know, but if I am to be compared to her, I feel stupid, I mean, why should she be my competition? We're so different...

I can't help feeling the confusion...

CURRENT MOOD: Confused & slightly dissapointed
03 March 2010 @ 10:50 pm
Hi there,
I need someone to comment on my complex, I'm always really nervous when it comes to liking guys especially when they ask me out, I just freak out... I can't help it, so please help me.

I finally got a date with the fabulous K, I dreamed about this for months...

Unfortunately on the date itself I saw my ex... with another girl, I was shocked but determined not to run or anything, I just sat on the other side of the couch so he wouldn't see me. I had to wait for K to arrive, he was quite late but also quite lucky because the tickets weren't sold out yet. We went to see Avatar, one of the most popular films ever. I'd already seen the film with my best friend, and later with Z. And was about to see it with K for the third time. ( my friend told me she would see it a third time too if a nice and handsome guy would ask)

K had tried to see the film multiple times, also with the whiney girl(see my diary entry) , but luck wasn't on his side. (Untill he came with me, everytime I went to see the film it wasn't sold out.) Yet he showed up only two minutes before the film would start, so there was little time to talk. He bought us some drinks and we went to the film. The film ended very close to midnight and he lives out of town so he had to catch his last bus. We hurried to the train station and we had about 10 minutes to chat when he hugged me and stepped into the bus. That was practically it... There was no time during the movie, and no time after... so the date lasted only 3 hours of which mostly filled by watching Avatar.

There would be a party the next day and I asked whether he was interested in coming along with some friends. He said maybe, which later turned out to be a 'no, I'm sorry'. Aww too bad, I just went with my own friends, but still I hoped he might be out there somewhere. But he wouldn't because there weren't any night busses through the week to take him back home. He only has them in the weekend. ( the party was on tuesday, the date on monday before)

I shouldn't complain, I know, he asked me out, and it was nice. yet short so I told him on chat. He suggested we'd go some other time and I agreed, but so far, I haven't heard any single thing... Ahh well maybe I should concentrate on school, my exam and stuff. Would he understand that? Hope he does, and I hope something magical will happen someday soon again.. I really like K, maybe even love him, I don't know... What also keeps me back is my dad, he doesn't like guys like him... My dad really influences me, he's actually (I really love my dad, but I don't know how to descibe it,) he's kinda racist, but I try not to give in.  what should I do?
25 February 2010 @ 11:19 pm
Hi there,

My name is Miio, I'm an eighteen years old female, and I just wanted to say that I really like this idea.
I'm new, just started today, but no matter what, I'll pray for your luck.

16 January 2010 @ 11:29 pm
i just found this community and i think it is a really great idea :) i'm having a tough night and am feeling really down, so any advice/thoughts/prayers are very appreciated.

my situation is this: i have a large, wonderful family who is everything to me. i know they'll always be there for me and i couldn't be more grateful for that. but in comparison i don't have many friends. i'm an outgoing person and i get to know people easily, so that shouldn't be the problem. but i am always, always the person who is left behind. i put so much into friendships and am there for people, listen, try to help, stay in contact. but it seems i always get to know the kind of people who take what they need and then move on. i'm tired of being the one who is left behind to fend for herself.
also one thing that is making some things complicated is that i live somewhat out of town, so i can't go out at night and get home again because the buses are not going so late. i never quite liked staying at other people's places, but i guess i should get comfortable with that thought for the sake of going out with people i know. although i'm not much of a club person, i just don't like it. i don't know how much of myself i should change just for the sake of spending time with other people.

right now i feel like i have missed many chances in life by being too lazy, rather staying at home. i've once again been disappointed as well, finding that i cared far more about some people than they cared about me. things have improved and compared to a year ago i sure do have a social life now. maybe this is just one of the first throwbacks? i don't know. i just wish i'd find the person out there who'd stick with me. maybe even a boyfriend, but that doesn't seem to be happening either. sometimes i think i am too nice and caring for my own good. i try not to step on anyone's toes and help people and in turn they trample me down.
14 January 2010 @ 04:53 pm
I would have posted this on girladvice, but seeing as that community is having issues, I will post it on this lovely alternative.

I have been crushing on a fellow grad school class mate of mine. We haven't spoken much as we're both naturally quiet and shy (at least on my end) people. Even though being in grad school I don't have much experience dating or in relationships, more so due to my choice. I've been on dates and have had the boyfriends, but I've never had to ask a boy out before.

The problem is, is that I may have missed my opportunity. During finals at the end of last semester he approached me in the library to study and we went for coffee. He's never done that before. Being so focused on finals I didn't really comprehend the fact he may have used the opportunity to get to know me better. Oblivious as I was, I didn't do much talking or give any signals that I was interested. Dumb, I know. But as I said, we were in the thick of finals. And now, I find it hard to approach him, being as quiet and shy a person as I am. Even worse, if he DID try to approach me in interest back then, I fear I may have missed the opportunity.

What makes it worse is that we're in a program where we're with all 40 of our classmates all the time. Gossip spreads quickly, and I fear the gossip that would spread if I were to approach him in front of others (say at the end of class one day) and he were to reject the offer.

Current Mood: embarrassedshy
29 November 2009 @ 06:03 am

I'm new. I just found this comm, and I think it is an amazing idea. Like the Law of Attraction times the internet. :D I'm hoping it'll work for me.

I have a lot of good things in my life, and I am very aware of it and thankful for them. My family, my friends, my boyfriend, the opportunity to go to school... these are all wonderful things, and I am so thankful for each and every one.

But there are some things in my life that I really wish I could change, and seem to be having a tough time making any progress.

1. My car is broken, and I have absolutely no money for a new one. I can get it fixed if I borrow from my parents, but it's an ooooold car and has been dying for a long time.
2. I have no job. I need a job desperately, and would like it to be a job I actually might enjoy.
3. I need to lose weight. A lot of it. Like, 85 pounds would be nice. And I have no motivation for it because...
4. I am very depressed, because I am jobless and poor and fat and all these other things. I would like to get over this.

So, if you lovely people out there could pray, meditate, send good thoughts, or focus on me getting these things (a job, a car, losing weight and being healthy, mentally and physically), I would be so thankful. I of course will do the same for all of you. <3

12 August 2009 @ 01:49 pm
Im in work at the moment and prob shouldnt be posting but i need to ask.....................is 2closeure (sp) a myth? coz ive done all i can to get over a relationship and have a feeling im waiting on closeure via some sort of convo or accidental run in thats never gonna happen. Ive done all the right things all the sane things, and now ive hit a plateau.

advice/questions/stories welcome
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
27 April 2009 @ 07:50 pm
I've been separated from my husband since 2002, and il be turning 39 this year. We have a son who is 12 years old and i've been the one supporting our child eversince because my ex husband is jobless..thanks a lot to my parents who until now still gives me financial support in raising my son..i'm a government employee for almost 10 years already and i am very grateful for all the blessings that i have..
Eversince i've been separated from my husband i've been very lonely and depressed.  i have crying bouts without any reason at all..and i've been linked to married men, i seem not to find any single men. i dont know why. This has caused me more pain and misery. Until i met a separated man and i was so so happy to have met him, everything about him i was so thankful for. We get along so well and everything was perfect..he applied for a job abroad coz he is working in a hospital here and the pay is not enough to make ends meet. I helped him all throughout his application like financial support, motivation and in processing the papers. Until came a time that we thought he'll be going in a month's time for a job abroad and that's where he told me that it's better that we separate because he has very high ambitions for himself and he wants to focus on his carreer while being there. I was so devastated, hurt and so so rejected. I don't know what to do and i felt the whole world is on me. I turned to friends for advice and even talked to a priest. Now i accept that i have to let go, let go of all the things concerning him..that i can't have him. I was so in love with him and i never thought i could carry on with my life. My prayers now is that i could find a person deserving of my love and loves me in return and my son. I'm so lonely and and i really wish that i could have somebody to share my life with..what's the purpose of this life when i have nobody who i could grow old with..please pray for me that i could find someone..someone i described in my journal, the 100 things i like my husband to be. thanks everyone..
Current Location: philippines
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful